It’s Father’s Day Weekend, and one thing perceptive Dads, know, is that Father’s Day, Is Not celebrated with the Gusto, Aplomb, and or joie de vivre, as is Mother’s Day.
In fact, some Fathers dread the annual ritualized commemoration of Father’s Day, as to their minds, it shows them up as lesser than, as if it’s a secondary event, one the Family endures, as against celebrating.
The problem is, those Fathers who see Father’s Day through these lenses, are probably right, But the issue does not stem from the families, as indeed in most families, Dad, is indeed the Hero. The real issue here is not that Families hesitate to, or do not embrace the concept and essence of Father’s Day, as most do. The real issue here is Cultural.
Cultural, you all ask?
Yes! Cultural!
Cultural, in that most men are not given to showing emotion and or even accepting public displays of emotion. And whilst Moms, welcome love, attention and public displays of adoration, as Queen of the family, Most Dads, are hesitant to accept any such display, especially when it comes to the idea of their sons, showering them with love, attention, and or acknowledgment of their input.
You see, Dads, were raised to be hunters, gatherers and providers. Expected to get it done even if alone, he is the supreme being of the household, but must never allow himself, to lapse into his humanity and enjoy his family, that which he provides for them; or even bask in their love and adoration. He has been weaned to see himself as an automaton, whose primary function is that of provider, and when things get out of whack – he is expected to restore balance to the family as a disciplinarian.
He is brought up to give Love, (reservedly) not receive love. And if he so chooses, then this too must be measured, not fulsome, and certainly not to be seen as reveling in such affection. As, after all, this is the purview of the Weaker Sex, and having been brought up as a man, (Perpetuating the cyclical psychological mess of being Chaste in emotion, to accept Love, attention, and the attendant celebratory goodies that are associated with commemorating Father’s Day, would be to make him Less of a Man, and we simply cannot have this.
So, we end up with toxic brutish men, afraid of public displays of affection, from their own sons, for fear of any such display being misinterpreted by the casual onlooker, from an act of pure and unadulterated love and appreciation to one of potential sexual interchange. Not from women, but from other damaged men, imprisoned by the same psycho-social-construct, which limits the damaged from receiving and celebrating love, especially from his male offspring(s).
And so, the cycle continues, from generation to generation.
Now, this begs the question, how does one break, this generational course?
Well, the answer is simple: If you did not receive love from your Father, do not stint in pouring your love into your sons. Make love part and parcel of your daily diet – In Speech, Thought, Actions, and Experience.
Lunch with your sons; Holiday with them; Give them Gifts; Bond and bonding help to mold the man you hope you are or could be. And we are not talking about the superficial bonding which is practiced to boost machismo such as taking him to bird-bush, buying him his first whore, and or frequenting strip joints with him to make sure he is a chip off the ‘straight’ block.
Teach him Dominoes, Chess, Cricket, Football, Tennis, or whatever it is, that is your cultural game. But what is important is that you bond with him and show him love, so he can pass this on to his sons, and thus break the generational curse that could lead to abusive, and or unfulfilled lives and relationships.
So, as Fathers; learn how to receive, appreciate and nurture love, not just from your wife and daughters, but from your sons as well. Learn how to be the Father of an all-inclusive household, where love is always included and dispensed; to all family members; and when it is showered upon you in return, receive it gracefully, as it is in doing so, you teach, and in teaching, you are moving away from a toxic environment where violence and bullyism are how our men go forward. By showing and teaching love, our sons learn mediation, understanding, and tolerance and are thus better prepared for a less toxic future, and a world, where Father’s Day is not Lesser than, but Equal To, and celebrated with the gusto and verve of Mother’s Day.
Its time to let go of the old colonial model of parenting, as fathers, where brutality is meted out as supposed discipline, and replace brutality with a well-rounded contemporary module, with love at its center. Where we condition our boys to receive and give love, by being the change we want to see. We cannot continue to raise brutes, and be outraged when they act out what they have been conditioned and or programmed to become.
As fathers, we can indeed spare the rod, and love the child.
